What lingers on at the back of my head will always be the letters that spell your name.
I’ve been sad, for a long time I have been. Maybe sad is an over-statement, but then what would explain the void in your heart behind every smile you make? Would I say what I’ve gained made up for what I’ve lost? But nevertheless, it’s not an easy equation to solve. I’m more than blessed to have people like Mong, Chang, Nic,Cheong, getting me through here and there. But at the same time this will always be unbalanced because I’ve lost what they call, such a long, old good friend.
It’s almost sickening, it’s definitely infuriating, but more than that, it’s been a whirl; things you spent time running away from.
There was always a tide in my heart, pulling me to the deepest sea and then flinging me back to the shallow shore. It was always such a struggle, trying to find a balance between reality and my very own hopes, whatever that lingers on in my darkest days. Like the slightest glimpse of light, it’s the ray of hope that is almost transient, gradual, but you know it exists. You know one day you’ll find a way out from holding yourself prisoner of your emotions. It was not a choice; it was more like a weight, scarring, and never been fully able to shake it off. Even if there are 29 good days, there is always one bad day threatening to shatter everything into grey specks. I have never placed them into words, I’ve never known how, all I know is it hurts, and it haunts. So many people, so many unspoken words, unsolved regrets, unsaid goodbyes; and these all sums up to become heart-wrenching. I used to ask myself, how could a smile I loved so dearly turned out to become so heartbreaking. As bitter as this sounds, most of the times, this world revolves around sacrifices. Someone else’s happiness may happen at your expense, and one day the tables will turn as well. There’s never bliss you see, no matter what you do, someone gets hurt. And unfortunately, happiness acts like a veil. It blinds you from seeing how your happiness came at someone else’s pain. Everyone is guilty of this sin, and that makes love never fair. This is the part of it all.
You learn to deal with it, but that doesn’t mean those bad days don’t creep up silently like a hurricane, it doesn’t mean this gets any easier.
Been living life on the wild side since A’s are over. i won’t try to tame that. I don’t know if I am even proud of myself. I still don’t know what I stand for, and that very fact makes me vulnerable to fall for everything. I don’t know what I’m made to do, I still don’t know my purpose. I look in the mirror and as cliche as this sounds, it reflects my own insecurity. Every girl has them, something they’re unhappy with, their face or their bodies, and perhaps this is how society has programmed us to view ourselves. What happened to inner beauty? Who sees past exterior? Or is it true that once your exteriors are no longer attractive, no one bothers to see past you? What happened to appreciating imperfection? That can’t exist in a climate where everyone pursues nothing but perfection. And even my future feels bleak. What do I, what am I, and who am I. JC didn’t define me. JC was nothing but fucking up. Learning is joyous, learning is enriching, but forcing someone to study out of obligation isn’t. what meaning is there left of the very basis of education, which is to empower one’s soul? How did our education system morph into something so taxing? It undercuts every inch of joy in learning.
It sunk upon me that I shouldn’t, and never should dilute the value of life. The value of waking up every morning, in your very bed, to the sound of your parents. Eating, breathing, spending time with your loved ones, that’s the simplest form of bliss. I love waking up knowing my parents are safe. I love waking up knowing I am safe and sound, being able to jump, run, play, party for all I want. I love how home grounds me to where I belong, where I seek refuge, where everything feels right after an aimless day. A lot of people don’t have this privilege and God blessed me with this.
I have lost, but the greatest gift of all is life. The first 18 years have been a rough patch but there’s more to come. And if I ever forget, emotions are nothing but a phrase. You go through the motion, you live with it, you feel it and you feel alive. They are never, ever sufficient to make you falter about the importance of life. It’s always about treasuring the simplest things.
and whatever lost, you hold them dear to your heart. Some people don’t leave. Even when it hurts, you cling on tighter. Some scent, some words, some actions, some smiles don’t leave. When everything changes, they stay constant. You’ll always be my sweetest downfall.
"You came & went like summer rain. Like the fall wind. Like the sun before a storm. You came & went like a car on the street. Like a bunny in the yard. But most important & worst of all, you came & went like a knock at the door. A quick hello & painful goodbye."
Days-g3tworse (via days-g3tworse)
I have to admit too many things have changed.
I have to admit the only thing I want now is to leave this place.
What if I threw up my hands and said too much has changed, too much has changed, and I want to change as well?
I want to be change?